What If

Have you ever looked back to something in your past and asked yourself, “what if” I had done it differently? I believe that when it comes to things in the past, “what if” is pointless.  One cannot go back to change something wildly impactful if it’s already happened and behind you. 

“What if” can be a learning opportunity.  For myself, I now know better that I have to walk away from the point in my past that seriously impacted my health, morals, and goals.  I will not allow that part of my past to damage my future.

My “what if’” held my healing in its control.  It made me furious, anxious, depressed, and with tears in my eyes every day.  I was stuck in the past, a place that can never be changed, ever.  Being introduced to disability put me in a place where my thoughts were rampant with “what if”.  There were so many, I couldn’t see beyond them.

There are a million things I would’ve done differently before, during, and after I got sick.  I must have said “what if… and why”, a million times.  I asked myself silly until I realized I was holding my future hostage by the past, the place I wanted to run away from. By ruminating over it I was keeping it fresh in my mind. I then discovered by letting it go, it let go of me.

Then I started thinking, what if I applied “what if” into my present to be a part of deciding what’s best for me now.  It can be anything in my day, “what if” I move, a good decision?  “What if” I buy that chocolate bar, although delicious, it’s probably not the best decision for me.  I work to stay in the present with my “what if “decisions beside me.  I do it with a “how’s it working for me attitude”, will I need to tweak a few things?  Of course, I will.  My “what if” is guiding me to my future and, I use it every day. 

But darn it, I bought that damned chocolate bar anyway.