Remember, Then Release

Writing this takes me back to places I don’t want to remember.  I don’t want to remember how I felt abandoned by someone I thought cared about me. 

It hurts, it literally pains me revisiting what I’m about to share.  With every word I type, I see it.  I feel exactly what I felt then, like I’m living it all over again.  What I feel is anger of being left alone in my pain, to be on my own to figure out how I was going to get through it all.

He is why this happened to me.  He left me on the floor in such pain I couldn’t get up.  He left me alone.  He walked out the door when I was literally on death’s door. Writing this makes me nearly throw up from anger. 

If it wasn’t for my mom and sister-in-law, I would be dead. They rescued me just in the nick of time.

During the 10 days I was in the hospital he came to see me one time.  I almost died and he came one time.  I went through excruciating painful procedures; I could hardly stand on my own.  He came to see me one time.  I felt completely alone at a time when I really needed someone to be with me.

After being released from the hospital, I wouldn’t go home.  A friend drove me to my mom’s because there I knew I’d be lovingly cared for.  Then on the way to my mom’s, this song came on the radio: Martina McBride – A Broken Wing (Official Video) (youtube.com) Listening to the words, I broke down.

After I was diagnosed that the antibiotic, gentamicin, I was given destroyed my sense of balance, he didn’t help.  I was on my own and in the condition I was, I still made dinner, I still did the housework, did the laundry where the washer and dryer were in the basement.  I went grocery shopping when I could barely see the road I was driving on.  I asked for help bringing groceries in the house and he said, I could do it myself.  There is so much more I could share, but he doesn’t deserve it.

But my friends as I wrote this, it hit me and for the first time I understand, here is where I must let it go.  He no longer deserves to be in my thoughts or emotions.  I release what I experienced and celebrate who I am; a strong, resilient, confident, courageous, creative, funny, and joyous woman. And wow, does it ever feel great.