Done it Before, Do it Again

 (Just so you know, I’ve used some choice words in this post)

Remember when in my last post I said it was okay to be angry in the most incredibly, intense, and monumental way?   That’s me right now but I’m modifying this to take it a step further – I am pissed off in the most incredibly, intense, and monumental way.

Why?  I am dealing with an incredibly painful hip issue.  On the pain scale, it travels from 6 to 10 to I’m going to die pain.  It stems from bursitis in my hip, and a steroid shot gone wrong.  Another addition to disability. 

I was on a vacation last week and plans were to brave though hikes to photograph waterfalls.  So much for that. Even with my hiking poles, the pain was so intense there was no way I could hike up and down hills, over rocks and roots.  But I powered through other activities, mostly on flat surfaces.  Even with meds, it still hurt like the dickens, but I did it.  So, I guess powering through can be seen as a strength, but it sure doesn’t feel that way.

It seems I can’t catch a break; things just keep happening to me.  Why?  Oh, that question with no answers – it is what it is.  That’s all fine and good but damn, another one?  Yea, there’s light at the end of the tunnel, I’ll get better with medical miracles.  But it won’t be gone.  Just like all the other stuff I talked about.  I’m working on going with the better or staying with the gone.  I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again.

Ya’ll know I’m choosing the better, that’s how I am.  But in the meantime, I am sick of it.  I’m sick of being sick.  I’m sick of having to “lay low”, of missing my hikes, missing out on making photographs, and missing out on the many things that give me joy.  This stuff dims my light.

I know, I’ll be okay, I’ll get better.  I know how strong, courageous, and determined I will be to beat this thing.  I’ll kick ass like I’ve done before, if I can get my leg up that high.

It’s just that I am too pissed off to do it right now.  And I’m going to stay pissed off until I can get a grip.  And that’s okay.  It’s okay that I cried and that I yelled at everything. 

It also hurts that I’m having to go through it again.  As if the saga of Cheryl’s woes continues, there seems to be no ending to the play. 

I hear people saying, “Cheryl, you can write the rest of your play and move forward.  You’ve done it before, and you’ll do it again.”

And, I will.

But in the meantime, I want to erase everything and walk off the stage.

But I can’t do that either.  In my last post I shared that I think “anger in self-inflicted and tormenting ways serve no purpose other than to freeze time in a place you know you don’t want to be”.  I’ve learned my lesson on this one, get out before freezing to death.

Well, another one to accept, move along Cheryl.  You’ve done it before, and you’ll do it again.  There’s no other choice.  In fact, if it wasn’t for the last three whammy’s, I wouldn’t know just how strong I am to do it.

Whew, I’m glad I wrote this.  I really have done it before and I’m going to do it again.

Thanks for hanging out with me.  I feel better now.